Ironically and thankfully, one of my beloved gay BF’s was working behind the counter at this particular coffee shop. This proved extremely useful when Paul Bunyan did not offer to pay for my coffee… and that was only Exhibit B on how this guy did not even pretend to try. Exhibit A being the stained sneakers and tee shirt and the not-on-purpose kind of scruff. This might be a fashion statement for some, but a self-important, high-powered finance type, should not be one of them. You brag about your meeting last night with folks in Bengal, India but then manage to look like the awkward fish waiting outside the empty coffee shop when I arrive. Something tells me there’s an element of continuity missing here with the red flag being lack of confidence… and lack of resemblance to a profile picture. Some ladies actually looking for love may have freaked out at this point. Which leads me to believe that I seriously need to grow a bitch-bone. Which is like a backbone but it aids in expressing disapproval without regards for other people’s feelings. Maybe it’s because of my painfully awkward phase before/during puberty—the thought of hurting someone’s feelings is something that eats at my soul.
So in the spirit of the Joneshaw Project, I really tried to give this guy a fair shot… But when he tried to joke and ask the barista (my friend) for a needle of adrenaline “this big” (indicated with fingers) and tried to repeat the unfunny joke 2 more times… I knew that this was not going to be my soul mate. Figures, he’s in finance. (And just as I suspected, he is not nearly as witty and charming in person as he is via email and text.) Besides lack of general humor and personality, I probably have more in common to talk about with a toaster. How do you not like the Oscars?! That’s like telling me you don’t like babies! I haven’t wanted to cry this much on a date since I saw My Sister’s Keeper.
Maybe the theory that number-centric folks are less adept in the art of conversation has some validity to it. Nothing makes my panties melt off like knowing that UPS has a $10 million deal with the city to prevent parking tickets on their trucks that also are not allowed/capable of making left hand turns. Which for entertainment purposes, I one up-ed by educating him that 75% of all car accidents happen on left hand turns and a real doozey might make the UPS driver fall out since there is no driver’s side door on those vehicles. (This was at least better than hearing his lack-luster feelings on politics and how he thought Up was more of a masterpiece than Hurtlocker.) Pixar’s great but as an actor, I prefer movies that have actual “real people” in them as opposed to 3D movies that “look so real.”
Don’t think I’m going to gloss over mortal sin #1 of online dating: Photo False Advertisement. If an actor walks into an audition not looking like the picture he/she submitted, they are black listed. The same goes for dating. Looking exactly like my picture and being as quick and funny in person as I am in written word, I’m not coming from a superficial, looks-oriented place on this one. I’ve dated chubby, I’ve dated average looks, I’ve dated socially unaware, I’ve dated socially awkward but I can’t imagine attempting a relationship with someone who has no confidence or capacity to own what they’ve got… I mean of course all men can’t be George Clooney or even George Lucas for that matter but for God sakes! Work with what ya got! Not just to get girls to feel good about you but so you can feel good about yourself. Also, if you’re going to lie about something as trivial as your looks, what else is false on your profile? Overall, he wasn’t a weirdo, a creep-o, or even a jerk… He was just noticeably sad with this moment in his life. And that’s never a vibe that screams “take me home to mom.”
Bottom line: Photo false advertising in the dating game sells everyone short and a little bit of chutzpah can go a very long way. Over all, Paul Bunyan and I were very much a missed connection. I hate money and he hates hummus; it just wasn’t meant to be.
Next up: Maybe Pepe LaJew will change my already low opinion of online dating.
Your Undercover Lover,
Joneshaw
