So Snuggie and I had a romantic evening of screenplay writing at a coffee shop and later watching our guilty pleasure, Twilight: Eclipse. In between my night out and my night in, I made a very masochistic pit stop: Union Square Park. So many gentlemen holding flowers waiting for their tardy significant others made me smile. Then comes the masochism.

I walked behind the arch, near the big, possibly oak tree (but I’m not a botanist,) to the dent in the dirt, where tables and chairs usually are in the summer. To the exact spot where I first met Shady. I glanced over at the red “W” hotel sign, and had a flash back that was worthy of a Blockbuster Rom-Com. Looking at the pile of dirt, I still could see him slouched over staring at his sneakers— only to jump up for a hug when I approached him.

The flashback concluded, I became present in the actual moment of an unusually warm winter night. Ironically, the day we met was an unusually hot day, even for the summer. Staring at the pile of dirt where the chair and the man once stood, I felt compelled to put flowers or a rock or a note or something. After all, telling someone “Forget you know my name” is as final as it gets. Noticing that my pockets were empty, I realized that I gave enough to Shady and to everyone. This should be much less dramatic and infinitely easier.

After a pensive and emotional five minutes of staring at a pile of dirt like a well-dressed homeless person in Union Square, I walked to the train and left. Clenching a fist as tight as possible for five minutes straight and then letting go… as each finger expands outwards on it’s own the pins and needles, the tightness, the awkward mobility of freedom. Men are not pre-sale tickets for Florence and the Machine at Summer Stage… and even those are not gone forever because there’s still regular sale.

Really supportive male friends, unknowing of my dramatic funeral for a lover lost, reached out on their own accord. Volunteering advice that ranged from listening to Alanis Morisette- extra loud and on repeat, to a list of 10 reasons why I should be appreciated, to my personal favorite:

PERSONALLY, [I] think you need to learn to get over these guys. They definitely won’t come to you if they see this intensity you have about making a relationship work…and I mean it in the way of, you need to treat these as fun, and accept any range of results. I feel like ultimately you have ownership of yourself, you’re confident, you’re certainly not desperate and yet when dating comes around you seem to lose your center.

Between advice and Eclipse, two things were certain. Edward Cullen is a fictional character and I need to be myself while not judging/puking/judging myself for puking. If I can maintain best friendships with a laundry list of guys, then it’s not me that’s the issue. What’s the value of not showing up as me? What is this pattern of unawareness and fear I’m living in? What can I do with it? How can I change it?

Bottom Line: It’s me but it’s not me but it’s something I can work on…(it’s me.)

Next Up: TBD

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

My company had a NYE party in a fabulous Manhattan eatery. My childhood, BFF was my date and then she ditched me after the ball dropped to meet up with her “smush buddy” a few blocks away. I hung around with my boss and her smush buddy to then go on to the St. Jimmy and then Greenhouse. The entire night, I was the only one flying solo. I made the most of it and had fun and in a drunk haze had a text exchange with Shady.

Nancy Drew is kid stuff compared to the online trail this guy leaves it’s incredible. Turns out he didn’t ditch me for his ex, she’s dating some Asian guy… he’s now dating a former client of his. They went to some Russian shin-dig in Coney Island while I was getting VIP comps like crazy all over the city. How did I know who his NYE date was? Simple, the pictures of the crazy-tranny looking performers that he text me from his NYE party were the same one’s this chick posted in videos to her facebook this morning. Really, smooth Shady. Not to mention, why am I getting texts from you when you’re on a date with someone else?

Last time I saw Shady, I gave him a gingerbread cookie for his young niece because when I met her she had basically fallen in love with me (I am quite the child whisperer.) This is only relevant because after he was texting me updates from his last night on New Year’s Day… his little niece was then texting me from his phone for an hour and a half. Adorable to say the least but wtf, Shady?! This is all kinds of un-smooth and effed up, to say the least. I don’t think Bill ever sent Hillary pictures of his dinners he shared with Monica. This is entirely weak game from a sloppy liar.

Also, since this is not the first time I have come across this other chick’s profile on FB… another observation was the night before the most awkward concert ever, she took “single” off of her profile. It’s still blank but not “single.” Shady, on the other hand never listed a relationship status. In spite of his sloppiness, I have been slick in getting three prospective dates lined up so far in the New Year.

Bottom Line: There is no secrets from me. If I worked for the FBI, CIA, or Secret Service we would have found all the terrorists already and their past 3 girlfriends/wives. Also, some one forgot to tell Shady that as far as clients go, no sex in the Champagne Room if you want them to stay clients…

Next Up: First up, will be Tom Hanks. This is the dig that Shady doesn’t see coming… the night Shady introduced me to all his friends and we then proceeded to go to his office and do the nasty on his employee’s desk, I got a card from an attractive, bold gentleman. He and Shady don’t know each other but they share a mutual friend and have the same job, except Tom Hanks is four years more mature and has reached out to me several times since September but now that I’m finally dunzo with Shady, I’ve accepted his invitation.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

Basically, Shady Parkstein, everyone’s favorite date, turned out to be Shady for real. He bailed on my show, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, has made “other plans” for NYE and has bailed on almost every other date we’ve planned this month.

Last time we hung out was December 7th when I took him to see Dashboard Confessionals my all-time favorite band. He slept through the three openers, and wouldn’t stand closer than 3 feet of personal space during the entire set while also incessantly checking his phone and then borrowed my phone when his died because he had work drama to deal with the ENTIRE time he wasn’t being rude and sleeping. 

The nights of being wined and dined, ELK, and jokes of marriage are a thing of the past. Especially when photos surfaced of him spending Christmas Eve with his ex-girlfriend and her family (the gross chick who’s 12 years older than me that I tweeted about.) Also, found that he has an active “OkCupid” profile where he describes himself as a “selfish prick.” Funny, he never mentioned that little gem on howaboutwe…

It looks like this guy was straight up leading a double life and liked the other one better. Part of this was shock of the century and the other part explains the “confusing” stuff of prior months to be blatant lies. Ironically, on his okCupid personality richter he’s -48.5% less trusting than average. Usually people who lie a lot are less trusting because they don’t trust themselves. 

Also interesting on his okCupid was that he was only interested in “Friends, Activity Partners, and Short-Term Dating” which means when he said he wanted what I wanted… ::gasp:: it was a LIE. I’m not really mad despite the tone of this blog and I don’t even think less of him as a person. Liars and mediocre sex happen to good people every day. Now I know and knowledge is power. Lady Gaga tickets and the sexcation to the Bahamas in my name, not his, is also power.

Bottom Line: The Shady Parade has came and went… fun dates, lots of sex, but liars are never keepers.

Next Up: My office is having a NYE gala that I’m probably bringing a girl friend as a date to… also started using howaboutwe again and am taking up one of Shady’s friend’s offers to be fixed up with a “nice guy who’s not crazy.” Stay tuned! :)

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

To my loyal followers, I’m very sorry for the Houdini act… I usually leave that role to the dudes I chase after. Let’s bring it all to the present and talk about what I know you all want to hear about….

                                                  Shady

Yes, it’s still happening. It’s now been four months. We’ve integrated friend circles. He’s met my parents. He’s “joked” that he wants to marry me for various reasons. He’s initiated attempts to set up our friends and go on double dates. We’ve been able to see each other more than once a week. Sounds great until he gets all squirrly about what our title is. Obviously, I’m his girlfriend and he has no probling acting like a boyfriend… words for this great thing we have going here freak him out and get him acting all weird. 

His friends love me. My parents love him. We have fun together. Never has their been an argument or fight. We’ve clarified that the sex is exclusive. Other friends of his and of mine have called him my boyfriend. What would it take for him to jump on the cart and enjoy the hay ride? (It is fall after all.)

We have plans for a fabulous Thanksgiving Eve tomorrow night and this weekend he’s in for a huge surprise! Since, being the good untitled girl friend that I am, I hired a cleaning service to come and hose down the squalor he calls a bachelor pad. Why the gesture you ask? Because in spite of his quirks, flaws, and ambivalence, I am extremely thankful to have met Prince Shady. There was a point many posts ago where I thought I would run out of eligible dates before I found a prospect for a relationship. It’s far from perfect but it’s real and I’m afraid and ready to receive whatever it brings.

Another thing I learned from this new-age thing called “Access Consciousness” is that if you ask something of the universe and remove all judgment between you and what makes that something possible, the result is infinite possibilities. If you have an open mind check it out for sure!

As for Shady, I think he’ll come around eventually. I’m perplexed by his sentiment but not necessarily worried. It feels good to be back.

Bottom Line: Shady ordered the Fillet Mignon Rare and is now worried that it might be safer to order his meat well done but in the mean time is still chowing down on the beef.

Next Up: Maybe some royalty will stop by and dub this union with an official title before the next post!

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

So there were two other dates I’ve been putting off writing about since my “whatever-you-call-limbo-phase-of-an-almost-maybe-relationship.” Just bringing you guys up to speed as to why they did not help take my mind off of Shady.

First we had Tinker. He was a nice guy when it came to sharing dinner conversation that focused entirely on our shared professional field. Poor Tinker seemed also a little to effeminate in his “-isms” and communication style for my type. Great restaurant, he paid, never heard from again. Later that night and well into the next morning, I cried because this date was clearly not attracted to me on a “date” level. This made me miss Shady SO MUCH!

Then we were graced with the cynical presence of SameName. If you’re wondering why the pseudonym, it’s because him and Shady in life, have THE SAME NAME. Well this looks like it’s going to be 110% UNPRODUCTIVE already, I can tell. SameName was super LATE, unapologetic, snobby (not in a cute way), braggy, impatient, and rude. He also had the delusion that we would be able to walk into the Boom Boom Room at the Standard. I lied and said that if I missed the 11:30pm bus, I’d have no way to get home. I then cried, yet again, about HOW MUCH BETTER SHADY IS THAN THESE LOSERS.

After two horrible dates and too many tears, I decided to take a break from dating new people. Actions speak louder than words and right now I’m not acting like I want that relationship I talked to him about. Finally, I realized that all this time I’ve been giving emotionally unavailable guys a pretty bum rep and it was all unjustified. If you consistently find emotionally unavailable guys its because some part of you is that way, too. 

The ironic part of that ironic epiphany is that you’re emotionally unavailable because you’re afraid of being hurt but being that way brings only more hurt than being vulnerable and open. Being emotionally available, open, and upfront with your prospective partner and your feelings is probably the most vindicating solution to all of these problems. Then once you accept this truth and put it into practice you can get to thinking, “If this is so great, how can it get any better?” Don’t answer the question though, because that’s the trick to staying emotionally available: being open to limitless possibilities. The answer to happiness in a relationship is not about finding all the right answers, moves, outfits, and dates. Its about asking the right questions, only to keep asking more. That’s how you get exactly what you always wanted and more.

Bottom Line: I am basically the pot calling the kettle black.

Next Up: Two upcoming posts about Shady!

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

So I know I promised two more dates… They’re on their way. I really need to get a retraction and an explanation off my chest. Taking the advice of my Music Theatre homeboys, Rogers & Hammerstein, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” For those of you who haven’t already figured it out, I have some anxiety and trust issues. The biggie that I’m trying to work on is the beginning of intimacy and trusting someone new. It’s a long bumpy road and I’m clearly not driving the Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang car, so it’s a continuous effort and process to move forward at a reasonable pace without dissecting each and every traffic signal that just might happen to be very standard for a slow country road in these parts.  

In response to a previous reader comment: there was a month of courting before things moved forward physically. Being an unapologetic feminist, I find it offensive that a woman who likes sex and test driving the car before she signs the lease is deemed “easy.” Furthermore, I feel that “waiting” or withholding the goods from a hopefully serious suitor is immature game play that treats sex like an award or trophy to be had instead of an intimate exchange between two equals. Chastity is not a gift or way to measure value or “hook” a potential boyfriend. What’s to stop him from dumping you right after you have sex with him as his girlfriend, anyway? I know some people’s mothers might have told them “Why buy the milk when you can have the cow for free?” but I’m from New York City, the only suckers who own cows here are petting zoos and whether you have a coupon or get ripped off at a bodega, you have to buy milk sometime. Also, I pride myself in not being compared to livestock or flowers with petals dropped every time you have sex.  

Dropping the trademark metaphors for one second… It turns out, when Shady said he was feeling under the weather and went to bed early, he was telling the truth. He even proceeded to apologize again the next day for missing my call because he had really gone to bed early and inquire if I wanted to hang out the following night. He even accommodated my schedule and met me in Brooklyn when I got off of work for dinner. He then proceeded to make an announced and conscious effort to walk towards our destination in-step together, while he had his arm around my waist. He tells me things like, “You always look good whenever I see you… it’s as if it’s effortless for you.” Or my personal favorite in the middle of the crowded restaurant, “I want to cuddle you.” Men who are playing you don’t say that loud and proud in public and then follow up with wanting to be a part of your ten-year plan—they just don’t.

Shady made good on his cuddle-want back at his place while watching Mad Men on DVR. “Usually, I fast-forward through the commercials but I really want an excuse to make-out with you.” Then as things moved forward in the evening, he asked if I’d lean over and close the shades, only to PHYSICALLY start kissing my ass. After everything I’ve been through with meaningless dates and traumatic experiences and Mr. Dinges I was being my own worst enemy here. I was sabotaging the first chance I’ve had at a really good relationship. Body language to gestures to even giving me the low-down of his upcoming West Coast Trip, Shady was acting like things are moving forward.

My therapist hit the nail on the head, “You like to skip the beginning phases of things.” Funny thing about that is a house with no foundation eventually sinks into the dirt. I want my prospective relationship with Shady to be built on Limestone and since Rome wasn’t built in a day, each little headache does not mean the walls and framework come tumbling down. With all this worrying and over-analyzing I realized I am totally jipping myself of the “honeymoon phase” of this relationship—the part where you’re supposed to have fun and enjoy each other and be nauseatingly cute and rose-coloring each other silly.

Here it is guys, I’m taking a stand.  A stand against myself. Against getting in the way of my own happiness. I’m at the point where the options are extremely clear. Either test the water on your toe and go back to your lounge chair alone OR brave the chill and jump in with the hopes your body will adjust to the temperature change and enjoy the swim. Taking a step back and checking in with the “facts” aka the things that actually happened that I didn’t stumble upon and make assumptions about, point to him still playing the A-game and me playing the nut job.

Bottom Line: I’m still a fan of Shady if you guys are…

Next Up: Do you guys even want to hear about new dates 10 and 11? They were pretty heinous. For serious.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

I’m very sorry to all my readers that I stopped blogging for a while. Things got confusing. Basically, this post is to play “catch up.” Shady started out like my dream come true. We went on three more dates. We finally spanked the monkey. There was a lot of confusion in between all of those events. Irregular hangout and contact patterns. I found a makeup bag and additional pink tooth brush in his bathroom. I found evidence that the reason he was acting weird on my birthday at the end of the night was because he had to leave and meet his booty call. Then I said I was looking for a relationship and he agreed he wanted the same thing and we agreed to “take it slow” and “see where things go.” To put it simply, the name “Shady” now has new meaning.

The name started because of his reply to my howaboutwe.com date proposal. I proposed we eat at a gourmet meal truck and share our spoils at a shady park. His reply, “You had me at Shady Park.” I almost deleted the message because it was so friggen corny. Then my friend went through my responses as I was about to delete my account and now I had a date with Shady.

Out of the many dates I went on, this was the only one to not end at a first date. Unfortunately, it turned out that Shady’s M.O. was the same as all the “Ghosts of Boyfriends Past.” He’d shtoop me and ignore me. My worst fears and neuroses were actualized: he is just like every other guy.

No offense to ugly girls but I seriously envy you all. You don’t have these problems. No one wants to sleep with you just so they can brag about it to all their friends. Actually, most of the ugly girls I know have had more boyfriends and notches on the bedpost than me by ten-fold, at least. I can’t wrap my head around why but 90% of the guys I’ve been with have done this to me: ignore me after we’ve done the deed. I’ve gotten good reviews so I know its not a performance issue. They all just lie that they want the same thing as me and drop me after they get the goods.

I wanted to start this project to expand my horizons and how I met guys. Thinking it was the circle of guys I was surrounding myself with that led to these repeat conclusions. So far no dice… I have a few dates to write about also that I went on to “get my mind off of Shady” but every time I went out with someone else, I just wanted Shady all the more. He seemed so much more desirable by comparison. I really had my heart set on this one.

Then tonight, a half hour after we were supposed to touch base, I’m ready to leave and looking fab, I officially was bailed on by him via text, “splitting headache.” When I tried to call, he didn’t answer. To say the least, I’m devastated. I really liked him and wanted so badly to believe him and put my neurotic anxiety to rest that I can finally believe someone.

I’m sorry this isn’t that funny, guys. I promise my next two dates will be. This whole Shady thing really took the wind out of my blogging sails for a bit. I just take being lied to so personally. Especially when you’re given the “Get out of Jail free card” by me asking, “What are you looking for?” and you bullshit and say you want a relationship, too. 

Bottom Line:  Shady’s name was quite the foreshadowing. Getting hurt sucks monkey balls. Getting bailed on sucks even more. God, it’s good to be back.

Next Up: Dates with Tinker and SameName.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw