So I’ve been busy not dating for a while. Mostly because I have been writing a webseries that is FINALLY complete! If you love reading about you’re Joneshaw adventures and think, WOW… I wish this kookie kook had a WEBSERIES please help the cause with even just $1… it all adds up and makes this single lady’s dreams come true.

ALSO, if you want to see what I’m doing since I’m not dating… I’ve been eating. Check out the hot foodgasms I’ve been having on #Whenfoodreplacessex

Yup, I’m breaking my own anonymity and hoping you loyal guys will love me for it anyway. You guys ROCK! <3 

Thanks for following,

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

My company had a NYE party in a fabulous Manhattan eatery. My childhood, BFF was my date and then she ditched me after the ball dropped to meet up with her “smush buddy” a few blocks away. I hung around with my boss and her smush buddy to then go on to the St. Jimmy and then Greenhouse. The entire night, I was the only one flying solo. I made the most of it and had fun and in a drunk haze had a text exchange with Shady.

Nancy Drew is kid stuff compared to the online trail this guy leaves it’s incredible. Turns out he didn’t ditch me for his ex, she’s dating some Asian guy… he’s now dating a former client of his. They went to some Russian shin-dig in Coney Island while I was getting VIP comps like crazy all over the city. How did I know who his NYE date was? Simple, the pictures of the crazy-tranny looking performers that he text me from his NYE party were the same one’s this chick posted in videos to her facebook this morning. Really, smooth Shady. Not to mention, why am I getting texts from you when you’re on a date with someone else?

Last time I saw Shady, I gave him a gingerbread cookie for his young niece because when I met her she had basically fallen in love with me (I am quite the child whisperer.) This is only relevant because after he was texting me updates from his last night on New Year’s Day… his little niece was then texting me from his phone for an hour and a half. Adorable to say the least but wtf, Shady?! This is all kinds of un-smooth and effed up, to say the least. I don’t think Bill ever sent Hillary pictures of his dinners he shared with Monica. This is entirely weak game from a sloppy liar.

Also, since this is not the first time I have come across this other chick’s profile on FB… another observation was the night before the most awkward concert ever, she took “single” off of her profile. It’s still blank but not “single.” Shady, on the other hand never listed a relationship status. In spite of his sloppiness, I have been slick in getting three prospective dates lined up so far in the New Year.

Bottom Line: There is no secrets from me. If I worked for the FBI, CIA, or Secret Service we would have found all the terrorists already and their past 3 girlfriends/wives. Also, some one forgot to tell Shady that as far as clients go, no sex in the Champagne Room if you want them to stay clients…

Next Up: First up, will be Tom Hanks. This is the dig that Shady doesn’t see coming… the night Shady introduced me to all his friends and we then proceeded to go to his office and do the nasty on his employee’s desk, I got a card from an attractive, bold gentleman. He and Shady don’t know each other but they share a mutual friend and have the same job, except Tom Hanks is four years more mature and has reached out to me several times since September but now that I’m finally dunzo with Shady, I’ve accepted his invitation.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

So there were two other dates I’ve been putting off writing about since my “whatever-you-call-limbo-phase-of-an-almost-maybe-relationship.” Just bringing you guys up to speed as to why they did not help take my mind off of Shady.

First we had Tinker. He was a nice guy when it came to sharing dinner conversation that focused entirely on our shared professional field. Poor Tinker seemed also a little to effeminate in his “-isms” and communication style for my type. Great restaurant, he paid, never heard from again. Later that night and well into the next morning, I cried because this date was clearly not attracted to me on a “date” level. This made me miss Shady SO MUCH!

Then we were graced with the cynical presence of SameName. If you’re wondering why the pseudonym, it’s because him and Shady in life, have THE SAME NAME. Well this looks like it’s going to be 110% UNPRODUCTIVE already, I can tell. SameName was super LATE, unapologetic, snobby (not in a cute way), braggy, impatient, and rude. He also had the delusion that we would be able to walk into the Boom Boom Room at the Standard. I lied and said that if I missed the 11:30pm bus, I’d have no way to get home. I then cried, yet again, about HOW MUCH BETTER SHADY IS THAN THESE LOSERS.

After two horrible dates and too many tears, I decided to take a break from dating new people. Actions speak louder than words and right now I’m not acting like I want that relationship I talked to him about. Finally, I realized that all this time I’ve been giving emotionally unavailable guys a pretty bum rep and it was all unjustified. If you consistently find emotionally unavailable guys its because some part of you is that way, too. 

The ironic part of that ironic epiphany is that you’re emotionally unavailable because you’re afraid of being hurt but being that way brings only more hurt than being vulnerable and open. Being emotionally available, open, and upfront with your prospective partner and your feelings is probably the most vindicating solution to all of these problems. Then once you accept this truth and put it into practice you can get to thinking, “If this is so great, how can it get any better?” Don’t answer the question though, because that’s the trick to staying emotionally available: being open to limitless possibilities. The answer to happiness in a relationship is not about finding all the right answers, moves, outfits, and dates. Its about asking the right questions, only to keep asking more. That’s how you get exactly what you always wanted and more.

Bottom Line: I am basically the pot calling the kettle black.

Next Up: Two upcoming posts about Shady!

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

I’m very sorry to all my readers that I stopped blogging for a while. Things got confusing. Basically, this post is to play “catch up.” Shady started out like my dream come true. We went on three more dates. We finally spanked the monkey. There was a lot of confusion in between all of those events. Irregular hangout and contact patterns. I found a makeup bag and additional pink tooth brush in his bathroom. I found evidence that the reason he was acting weird on my birthday at the end of the night was because he had to leave and meet his booty call. Then I said I was looking for a relationship and he agreed he wanted the same thing and we agreed to “take it slow” and “see where things go.” To put it simply, the name “Shady” now has new meaning.

The name started because of his reply to my howaboutwe.com date proposal. I proposed we eat at a gourmet meal truck and share our spoils at a shady park. His reply, “You had me at Shady Park.” I almost deleted the message because it was so friggen corny. Then my friend went through my responses as I was about to delete my account and now I had a date with Shady.

Out of the many dates I went on, this was the only one to not end at a first date. Unfortunately, it turned out that Shady’s M.O. was the same as all the “Ghosts of Boyfriends Past.” He’d shtoop me and ignore me. My worst fears and neuroses were actualized: he is just like every other guy.

No offense to ugly girls but I seriously envy you all. You don’t have these problems. No one wants to sleep with you just so they can brag about it to all their friends. Actually, most of the ugly girls I know have had more boyfriends and notches on the bedpost than me by ten-fold, at least. I can’t wrap my head around why but 90% of the guys I’ve been with have done this to me: ignore me after we’ve done the deed. I’ve gotten good reviews so I know its not a performance issue. They all just lie that they want the same thing as me and drop me after they get the goods.

I wanted to start this project to expand my horizons and how I met guys. Thinking it was the circle of guys I was surrounding myself with that led to these repeat conclusions. So far no dice… I have a few dates to write about also that I went on to “get my mind off of Shady” but every time I went out with someone else, I just wanted Shady all the more. He seemed so much more desirable by comparison. I really had my heart set on this one.

Then tonight, a half hour after we were supposed to touch base, I’m ready to leave and looking fab, I officially was bailed on by him via text, “splitting headache.” When I tried to call, he didn’t answer. To say the least, I’m devastated. I really liked him and wanted so badly to believe him and put my neurotic anxiety to rest that I can finally believe someone.

I’m sorry this isn’t that funny, guys. I promise my next two dates will be. This whole Shady thing really took the wind out of my blogging sails for a bit. I just take being lied to so personally. Especially when you’re given the “Get out of Jail free card” by me asking, “What are you looking for?” and you bullshit and say you want a relationship, too. 

Bottom Line:  Shady’s name was quite the foreshadowing. Getting hurt sucks monkey balls. Getting bailed on sucks even more. God, it’s good to be back.

Next Up: Dates with Tinker and SameName.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

As planned the dress said, “OMG, Look at me… because I’m fabulous.” It was a perfect cocktail dress creation that had a corset top, tutu bottom, champagne lace throughout with a black lack panel at the waist adorned with a perfect satin bow. It was loud and it was my perfect birthday dress.

Twenty five of my nearest and dearest friends, including Shady and his male friend, Party Bud, were in attendance at The Anchor in SoHo. Everyone then chipped in throughout the night for a bottle. Everyone, that is, except Shady and Party Bud. It might have been a misunderstanding because I was pretty toasted when he got there and neglected to tell him we were chipping in for it. Regardless, Shady offered to buy me a drink when he first arrived but my bottle had already been served.

Shady and Party Bud made small talk and won over two of my best friends, Haitian and H.S. Femme, giving Shady a plus two in the pro-column.  For most of the night, Shady was right by my side and undoubtedly my date. He complimented my dress, he danced when I wanted to dance, sat when I wanted to sit, graciously greeted every guest I introduced him to, and then came the end of the evening.

The posse had dwindled down to my sister, her BF, Shady, and me. I drunkenly suggested we go on to another place. My sister and her BF bowed out and Shady agreed to continue on with me. My feet hurt from the 5 inches of fabulous I was wearing on my feet so Shady carried me two blocks piggy-back to his car.  Before his car even turn the corner, Shady claimed he was tired and suggested I didn’t need any more to drink and should get in a cab. “After carrying me two blocks, you want me to get in a cab? No. You’re driving me to the ferry. I could have split a cab with my sister and her boyfriend but I wanted to spend more time with you.” Shady said he wanted to spend more time with me, too and drove me to the ferry.

I was already suspicious of Shady’s motives but this is really perplexing. He shmoozes friends like he’s running for office and then pulls a bait and switch at the end of the night…What gives? My trust issues with men lead me to believe Shady’s name is being given new meaning. Especially when I suggested on the way to the ferry we hang out on Monday and got a “We’ll see” as a response. For someone who initially wanted to have the first three dates in three days, this is quite a break from Shady’s usual M.O.

Bottom Line: I had friends calling, texting, and emailing the next day about how much fun they had at my party! Shady didn’t ruin things but he did confuse the hell out of me. My untrusting default instincts are telling me to use this as an excuse to drop him… but my mature adult logic is telling me all will be revealed in due time.

Next Up:  Date FOUR with Shady… and maybe another date thrown in there so I don’t get my hopes up or carried away.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

Reservations were for 9 pm. I was five minutes early and he was five minutes fashionably late. I was twittering about our date and jumped out of my skin when he snuck up behind me to say hello. Mostly out of terror that he might have caught a peak at what I wrote. Thank God, he didn’t. As per the rules, the Project is still a secret to Shady. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” I assured him that it was my fault for not being more attentive. I then proceeded to walk into two door frames on the way to our table. Grace was not exactly my middle name (especially when I’m nervous) but instead of pointing that out, he complimented my beautiful dress.

We sat in the garden at Dumont Restaurant. Something about the candle light, real foliage, open air, soft jazz, and heavenly food make it such a terrific place for a third date. Amidst talking about family, private vs. public school, work, and how Shady likes to share “loaded bites” when offering a taste of his dinner, we played his trademark footsie under the table. I’ve never liked someone this much before sleeping with them. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely want him but I also really enjoy getting to know him first.

After dessert, Shady paid and walked me to my car. I then drove him to his car a block away. The evening concluded with a long lusty good-bye in my car (yet another Shady trademark.) Things were getting hot and heavy while still staying in high-school speed territory. That is, until Shady invited me back to his place. I declined citing that I had to work extremely early the next day. He pointed out that he lives closer to the next day’s job site. “Shady, I’m not saying ‘not ever’ I am saying ‘not tonight.’” Things started to continue down Hot and Heavy Boulevard when he asked if we can park down another street. “Sorry, but I have to be up really early tomorrow.”

Finally taking my hint, Shady takes his cue to leave. As he reaches for the car door, I get a rush of confidence and invite him to my birthday party.  “I’m having a birthday party Friday and congratulations you get to meet all of my best friends!” Shady smiled and said that he’ll be there. “Big Step in the Forward Direction Award” goes to The Joneshaw Project. I’ve gone three dates without hopping into the sack with this guy and instead I’m incorporating him into my social circle (without a kicking and screaming Shady.)

As much as this night ended on a good note, my inner paranoia is still baffled by the situation and unsure of his intentions. Is he pulling out all the stops in hopes of starting a relationship or is he just a player with a more expendable budget? It’s so hard not to read into every last detail when you’re starting to like someone with your feelings before your fancy parts. This is a terrifying, vulnerable span of uncharted territory to map and navigate and unfortunately, Sacajawea was not available to guide this tour.  We’re at the point where only time will tell what the other coast looks like.

Bottom Line: Gave Shady a cold shower, metaphorically speaking, and decided to give him the best friend test-run. I’m scared of getting hurt again but braving forward regardless.

Next Up:  My Birthday Bash!!!

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw 

Due to all of my anxiety, I showed up ten minutes early. Then in a slight panic of having to wait alone in a bar full of suits, the terrific idea to wander around a nearby home décor store for fifteen minutes strikes and off I go. Checking out every mirror they have on display. Pacing like I belong in a hospital waiting room. Praying to Jesus, “to please stop me from sweating profusely.” Reapplying yet another shade of lip gloss.

Strolling back in a more confident five minutes late, I see Shady sitting at a bar table already with a drink. Like a typical, self-sabotaging, awkward fish, I do not go in for the hug he seemed to be leaning towards. He then ordered me a cocktail and I was so angst ridden, I forgot to pretend to try and pay. Slow to start but swift to land we’re back to joking and connecting in no time. Another round of cocktails later and I’m even letting him into my personal space and place his hand on my knee. 

After finishing the second round, the unthinkable happens. He offers to take me to dinner. So off in a cab we go. My guilt of actually liking him has me insist on paying for the $8 dollar cab ride from Chelsea to Greenwich Village. Then…Get ready for it. This is huge. I was then whisked away to Employees’ Only; where I was wined and dined just like a scene out of SATC. It was a scene and be seen place with a doorman, guest list, and ELK. That’s right I had the ELK, which complimented my “Billionaire Cocktail” very nicely.

Aside from the ambiance, the footsie under the table, and the food that seemed like it all stepped out of a wet dream, Shady told me all about his time in art school. This is paramount; dating a creative that is not in the same field. Passionate, articulate, and clearly making an investment in more than just a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am sort of evening. He even brought up for exchange: philosophies on kids, family, career, and priorities. Shady’s pulling out all the stops and to say I’m enjoying the ride (or the ELK) for that matter would be the understatement of the century. In case you were wondering… when farm-raised, Elk tastes like a less-gamey cross between Venison and Filet Mignon (YUM.)

After the amazing and heavenly caramel with peanut brittle dessert we were off to yet another place! This time we walked to The Room… and magically my favorite beer, Delirium Tremens, was on tap. Yes, Mr. Shady was informed of this being my favorite beer on our previous date. Smooth. I then had to go to the bathroom and took this opportunity to call my friend, Ms. M, and thank her for picking out such a winner. She then reminded me that it’s best not to hop in the sack with this catch of a guy that I’m starting to really like.

Following her advice, Shady and I make out in the bar and in front of the bodega on the corner and in the backseat of the cab where he brought me to my bus stop (because I wouldn’t let him take me home.) Even the slightly tipsy admission of, “I’m not going home with you tonight because I think I might like you more than that, if that makes sense…” was received with a warm smile and a “that makes perfect sense.” This was then followed by yet even more frisky behavior in the back of the cab but Ms. M’s advice was still completely followed. There were not goods given up in the making of this blog.

There was then the sweet, “You’re driving me crazy” as I announced my exit from the cab. “Then you should probably call me tomorrow. “ Not to my surprise, “I’ll call you tomorrow.” The next day I received a mid-work day text from “The Boss” wanting to see me again that night. Unfortunately, I had already RSVP’d to my good friend, Sassy’s house warming party (non-date #5!)

Bottom Line: Howaboutwe.com is so far my favorite dating site. Super into Shady but glad we get a breather until Tuesday because I’m afraid of things moving too fast like my last failed relationship.  Sometimes having a friend go through your online dating matches is a brilliant idea. Apparently, I really into Shady and ELK.

Next Up: Non-Date #5 and third date with Shady!!!!!

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

Too bad Rockapella didn’t sing the theme song for this one; it would have made this date more bearable.  Where in the world is MysteRio? The Portuguese-Brazilian hottie who reinvented the rules of howaboutwe.com to “I like your proposed date… Now let me take you on a totally different date I thought up myself dot com.” Then when the European Café-style restaurant he proposed turned out to be closed until 5:30, he kindly text me that he will meet me at a Starbucks, three blocks away, ten minutes after we were supposed to meet. Why didn’t he just wait at the restaurant for me to arrive and tell me in person? That is for a greater mind to decipher.

Walking around TriBeCa with this winner of the genetic lottery, (tall, dark, handsome… did I mention he was from the same place as Giselle?) MysteRio decides it best to wander around until we find a place to eat that’s more “neighborhoodie.” Yes, he invented a cutesy word with an “-ie” ending. Please. Shoot me now. We then stumble upon the Greenwich St. Pub for some Panini, awkward small talk about day jobs, family, sports, and typical first date talk ensues.  He did have the most beautiful honey brown eyes and luscious, full lips I have ever seen on a specimen, too bad both were noticeably vacant.

Suddenly, I get a text from Shady with another one of our adorable inside jokes… this one’s about Shady hijacking the Batmobile and meeting me at 7 in Chelsea. A tickle of nerves runs down my back like someone walked over my grave when I saw that it was 5:45. I always do have an escape route but this needs to be swift. I clearly was not digging MysteRio as much as I was Shady but the guilt of actually having someone buy me food and converse during afternoon hours was preventing me from a full-on dine and dash.  

I have this bizarre, feminist-independence complex that makes me highly uncomfortable when men pay for everything. It’s very traditional, chivalrous, and cost-effective (especially since I’m broke) to let them just pay. The mind-screw, self-sabotage lies in the fact that now that they’ve paid for dinner, I “owe” them something. Like there’s this invisible tab in space and if it sways too much in the wrong direction, that means I’m using someone. My therapist reiterates to me that in dating, unlike paid escorting, people can “treat” you because they want to and if it doesn’t work out that’s okay. No one is paying me for my time or services, least of all in bar Panini.

After wandering around TriBeCa for another half-hour we parted ways and I walked him to the PATH Train… oh, yeah. EW! He lives in New Jersey; didn’t find that gem out until the date was almost over either. Then after we hugged and just before we parted ways, MysteRio tells me that, “I know a lot more about your profession that I initially lead on and I really think what you’re doing is great. I had a really nice time.” I smiled and waved awkwardly then power-walked away as fast as my little legs can carry me. This guy was strange thus far but thank God he saved that last tidbit until our departure because it was down-right creepy.

Power walking and not stopping until I reached the A train. I would then transition my makeup and hair from day to night, with intense train-make up applying skill, preparing for my second date with Shady. I quickly dismissed my date with MysteRio quicker than it happened only to realize, I was caring an exorbitant amount about my make up right now. I changed my lipstick color three times and then took an extra step to smudge on black eye liner. I stopped in every reflective surface between the train and the Black Door to make sure I wasn’t too sweaty. Holy Batman! For the first time since high school, I was nervous for this upcoming date but in a really good way.

Bottom Line: MysteRio was hot but not the whole enchilada. Thank goodness my anxiety disorder is better managed now than it was in high school. The last time I got this worked up over a guy, I gave myself hives all over my chest. Typically, not the most ideal second date look.

Next Up:  Part II of my dating double header, followed by a non-date adventure!

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

Ironically and thankfully, one of my beloved gay BF’s was working behind the counter at this particular coffee shop. This proved extremely useful when Paul Bunyan did not offer to pay for my coffee… and that was only Exhibit B on how this guy did not even pretend to try. Exhibit A being the stained sneakers and tee shirt and the not-on-purpose kind of scruff. This might be a fashion statement for some, but a self-important, high-powered finance type, should not be one of them. You brag about your meeting last night with folks in Bengal, India but then manage to look like the awkward fish waiting outside the empty coffee shop when I arrive. Something tells me there’s an element of continuity missing here with the  red flag being lack of confidence… and lack of resemblance to a profile picture. Some ladies actually looking for love may have freaked out at this point. Which leads me to believe that I seriously need to grow a bitch-bone. Which is like a backbone but it aids in expressing disapproval without regards for other people’s feelings. Maybe it’s because of my painfully awkward phase before/during puberty—the thought of hurting someone’s feelings is something that eats at my soul.

So in the spirit of the Joneshaw Project, I really tried to give this guy a fair shot… But when he tried to joke and ask the barista (my friend) for a needle of adrenaline “this big” (indicated with fingers) and tried to repeat the unfunny joke 2 more times… I knew that this was not going to be my soul mate. Figures, he’s in finance. (And just as I suspected, he is not nearly as witty and charming in person as he is via email and text.) Besides lack of general humor and personality, I probably have more in common to talk about with a toaster. How do you not like the Oscars?! That’s like telling me you don’t like babies! I haven’t wanted to cry this much on a date since I saw My Sister’s Keeper.

Maybe the theory that number-centric folks are less adept in the art of conversation has some validity to it. Nothing makes my panties melt off like knowing that UPS has a $10 million deal with the city to prevent parking tickets on their trucks that also are not allowed/capable of making left hand turns. Which for entertainment purposes, I one up-ed by educating him that 75% of all car accidents happen on left hand turns and a real doozey might make the UPS driver fall out since there is no driver’s side door on those vehicles. (This was at least better than hearing his lack-luster feelings on politics and how he thought Up was more of a masterpiece than Hurtlocker.) Pixar’s great but as an actor, I prefer movies that have actual “real people” in them as opposed to 3D movies that “look so real.”

Don’t think I’m going to gloss over mortal sin #1 of online dating: Photo False Advertisement. If an actor walks into an audition not looking like the picture he/she submitted, they are black listed. The same goes for dating. Looking exactly like my picture and being as quick and funny in person as I am in written word, I’m not coming from a superficial, looks-oriented place on this one. I’ve dated chubby, I’ve dated average looks, I’ve dated socially unaware, I’ve dated socially awkward but I can’t imagine attempting a relationship with someone who has no confidence or capacity to own what they’ve got… I mean of course all men can’t be George Clooney or even George Lucas for that matter but for God sakes! Work with what ya got! Not just to get girls to feel good about you but so you can feel good about yourself. Also, if you’re going to lie about something as trivial as your looks, what else is false on your profile? Overall, he wasn’t a weirdo, a creep-o, or even a jerk… He was just noticeably sad with this moment in his life. And that’s never a vibe that screams “take me home to mom.”

Bottom line: Photo false advertising in the dating game sells everyone short and a little bit of chutzpah can go a very long way. Over all, Paul Bunyan and I were very much a missed connection. I hate money and he hates hummus; it just wasn’t meant to be. 

Next up: Maybe Pepe LaJew will change my already low opinion of online dating.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw