The other night was my boss’s birthday. We went out to dinner, as planned. Then as a “surprise” to me (even though it was HER birthday) we headed to The Boom Boom Room aka “Top of the Standard” aka THE most exclusive night club in New York City aka the architectural Notre Dame of NYC Bars. My night life dream come true!!!!

How we got in? I’ll never tell. ;) Let’s just say knowing the right people goes a LONG way. On a more interesting note: I was there stag… as per my usual lately. No thought went to this until my boss comments that her birthday wish for me was to “make out with a hottie.” As well-intentioned as this birthday wish is/was… most of the single hotties at the standard were making out with each other that night. Then it hit me: has my clutster-fuck of a social life become so obvious that my boss is making birthday wishes for it?!

It’s been ages since I’ve been on a date in Joneshaw years… which is like dog years, except weeks… even longer if you want to factor in how long it’s been since I’ve been on a second date. It’s not a problem to be solved or a plight to be dealt. After all, a night to remember at the Standard, sipping complimentary Moet, should not be measured by the candy on one’s arm… Especially since in this case, the City is your date. For a lot of women, having New York City as their boyfriend isn’t enough. Maybe because it’s straight-up polygamy, maybe its because its more effort to orgasm, or just maybe, it’s because sometimes people harshly judge us lovers of the città. 

Loving the city like a person is something many New Yorkers claim to do. Carrie Bradshaw infamously declared it her boyfriend. The cold concrete, the culture, the 12 million people crammed into the peanut of real estate… what’s not to love? I <3 NY is not a sentiment instituted to fill a void. In fact, it is the exact opposite. New Yorkers don’t love it here or the “nights of our lives” that come with it because they’re single and trying to cope… On the contrary, those are the simply the folks who look at their reality from a place of gratitude.

The only love poem I’ve written that received any substantial feedback was entitled, “On the streets of my City.” Coincidence? No. It’s the first time I’ve conquered the emotional Olympiad of what it means to love. To look at someone [or in this case, somewhere] not for who or what you wish it to be but for who they [actually] are- ugly parts and all- and love them for it, wholly. I love my blackberry, I love my city, and while at the fucking Boom Boom Room, I decided to love myself… plus or minus one. Thus achieving an actual life goal here.

Bottom Line: Judging myself less. Loving myself more. Mainly because it’s easier and easier is fun and fun is what life is meant to be like.

Next Up:  TBD… what would it take for the universe to send me a date that I don’t have to hunt for?

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

My company had a NYE party in a fabulous Manhattan eatery. My childhood, BFF was my date and then she ditched me after the ball dropped to meet up with her “smush buddy” a few blocks away. I hung around with my boss and her smush buddy to then go on to the St. Jimmy and then Greenhouse. The entire night, I was the only one flying solo. I made the most of it and had fun and in a drunk haze had a text exchange with Shady.

Nancy Drew is kid stuff compared to the online trail this guy leaves it’s incredible. Turns out he didn’t ditch me for his ex, she’s dating some Asian guy… he’s now dating a former client of his. They went to some Russian shin-dig in Coney Island while I was getting VIP comps like crazy all over the city. How did I know who his NYE date was? Simple, the pictures of the crazy-tranny looking performers that he text me from his NYE party were the same one’s this chick posted in videos to her facebook this morning. Really, smooth Shady. Not to mention, why am I getting texts from you when you’re on a date with someone else?

Last time I saw Shady, I gave him a gingerbread cookie for his young niece because when I met her she had basically fallen in love with me (I am quite the child whisperer.) This is only relevant because after he was texting me updates from his last night on New Year’s Day… his little niece was then texting me from his phone for an hour and a half. Adorable to say the least but wtf, Shady?! This is all kinds of un-smooth and effed up, to say the least. I don’t think Bill ever sent Hillary pictures of his dinners he shared with Monica. This is entirely weak game from a sloppy liar.

Also, since this is not the first time I have come across this other chick’s profile on FB… another observation was the night before the most awkward concert ever, she took “single” off of her profile. It’s still blank but not “single.” Shady, on the other hand never listed a relationship status. In spite of his sloppiness, I have been slick in getting three prospective dates lined up so far in the New Year.

Bottom Line: There is no secrets from me. If I worked for the FBI, CIA, or Secret Service we would have found all the terrorists already and their past 3 girlfriends/wives. Also, some one forgot to tell Shady that as far as clients go, no sex in the Champagne Room if you want them to stay clients…

Next Up: First up, will be Tom Hanks. This is the dig that Shady doesn’t see coming… the night Shady introduced me to all his friends and we then proceeded to go to his office and do the nasty on his employee’s desk, I got a card from an attractive, bold gentleman. He and Shady don’t know each other but they share a mutual friend and have the same job, except Tom Hanks is four years more mature and has reached out to me several times since September but now that I’m finally dunzo with Shady, I’ve accepted his invitation.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

To my loyal followers, I’m very sorry for the Houdini act… I usually leave that role to the dudes I chase after. Let’s bring it all to the present and talk about what I know you all want to hear about….

                                                  Shady

Yes, it’s still happening. It’s now been four months. We’ve integrated friend circles. He’s met my parents. He’s “joked” that he wants to marry me for various reasons. He’s initiated attempts to set up our friends and go on double dates. We’ve been able to see each other more than once a week. Sounds great until he gets all squirrly about what our title is. Obviously, I’m his girlfriend and he has no probling acting like a boyfriend… words for this great thing we have going here freak him out and get him acting all weird. 

His friends love me. My parents love him. We have fun together. Never has their been an argument or fight. We’ve clarified that the sex is exclusive. Other friends of his and of mine have called him my boyfriend. What would it take for him to jump on the cart and enjoy the hay ride? (It is fall after all.)

We have plans for a fabulous Thanksgiving Eve tomorrow night and this weekend he’s in for a huge surprise! Since, being the good untitled girl friend that I am, I hired a cleaning service to come and hose down the squalor he calls a bachelor pad. Why the gesture you ask? Because in spite of his quirks, flaws, and ambivalence, I am extremely thankful to have met Prince Shady. There was a point many posts ago where I thought I would run out of eligible dates before I found a prospect for a relationship. It’s far from perfect but it’s real and I’m afraid and ready to receive whatever it brings.

Another thing I learned from this new-age thing called “Access Consciousness” is that if you ask something of the universe and remove all judgment between you and what makes that something possible, the result is infinite possibilities. If you have an open mind check it out for sure!

As for Shady, I think he’ll come around eventually. I’m perplexed by his sentiment but not necessarily worried. It feels good to be back.

Bottom Line: Shady ordered the Fillet Mignon Rare and is now worried that it might be safer to order his meat well done but in the mean time is still chowing down on the beef.

Next Up: Maybe some royalty will stop by and dub this union with an official title before the next post!

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

So there were two other dates I’ve been putting off writing about since my “whatever-you-call-limbo-phase-of-an-almost-maybe-relationship.” Just bringing you guys up to speed as to why they did not help take my mind off of Shady.

First we had Tinker. He was a nice guy when it came to sharing dinner conversation that focused entirely on our shared professional field. Poor Tinker seemed also a little to effeminate in his “-isms” and communication style for my type. Great restaurant, he paid, never heard from again. Later that night and well into the next morning, I cried because this date was clearly not attracted to me on a “date” level. This made me miss Shady SO MUCH!

Then we were graced with the cynical presence of SameName. If you’re wondering why the pseudonym, it’s because him and Shady in life, have THE SAME NAME. Well this looks like it’s going to be 110% UNPRODUCTIVE already, I can tell. SameName was super LATE, unapologetic, snobby (not in a cute way), braggy, impatient, and rude. He also had the delusion that we would be able to walk into the Boom Boom Room at the Standard. I lied and said that if I missed the 11:30pm bus, I’d have no way to get home. I then cried, yet again, about HOW MUCH BETTER SHADY IS THAN THESE LOSERS.

After two horrible dates and too many tears, I decided to take a break from dating new people. Actions speak louder than words and right now I’m not acting like I want that relationship I talked to him about. Finally, I realized that all this time I’ve been giving emotionally unavailable guys a pretty bum rep and it was all unjustified. If you consistently find emotionally unavailable guys its because some part of you is that way, too. 

The ironic part of that ironic epiphany is that you’re emotionally unavailable because you’re afraid of being hurt but being that way brings only more hurt than being vulnerable and open. Being emotionally available, open, and upfront with your prospective partner and your feelings is probably the most vindicating solution to all of these problems. Then once you accept this truth and put it into practice you can get to thinking, “If this is so great, how can it get any better?” Don’t answer the question though, because that’s the trick to staying emotionally available: being open to limitless possibilities. The answer to happiness in a relationship is not about finding all the right answers, moves, outfits, and dates. Its about asking the right questions, only to keep asking more. That’s how you get exactly what you always wanted and more.

Bottom Line: I am basically the pot calling the kettle black.

Next Up: Two upcoming posts about Shady!

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

So I know I promised two more dates… They’re on their way. I really need to get a retraction and an explanation off my chest. Taking the advice of my Music Theatre homeboys, Rogers & Hammerstein, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” For those of you who haven’t already figured it out, I have some anxiety and trust issues. The biggie that I’m trying to work on is the beginning of intimacy and trusting someone new. It’s a long bumpy road and I’m clearly not driving the Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang car, so it’s a continuous effort and process to move forward at a reasonable pace without dissecting each and every traffic signal that just might happen to be very standard for a slow country road in these parts.  

In response to a previous reader comment: there was a month of courting before things moved forward physically. Being an unapologetic feminist, I find it offensive that a woman who likes sex and test driving the car before she signs the lease is deemed “easy.” Furthermore, I feel that “waiting” or withholding the goods from a hopefully serious suitor is immature game play that treats sex like an award or trophy to be had instead of an intimate exchange between two equals. Chastity is not a gift or way to measure value or “hook” a potential boyfriend. What’s to stop him from dumping you right after you have sex with him as his girlfriend, anyway? I know some people’s mothers might have told them “Why buy the milk when you can have the cow for free?” but I’m from New York City, the only suckers who own cows here are petting zoos and whether you have a coupon or get ripped off at a bodega, you have to buy milk sometime. Also, I pride myself in not being compared to livestock or flowers with petals dropped every time you have sex.  

Dropping the trademark metaphors for one second… It turns out, when Shady said he was feeling under the weather and went to bed early, he was telling the truth. He even proceeded to apologize again the next day for missing my call because he had really gone to bed early and inquire if I wanted to hang out the following night. He even accommodated my schedule and met me in Brooklyn when I got off of work for dinner. He then proceeded to make an announced and conscious effort to walk towards our destination in-step together, while he had his arm around my waist. He tells me things like, “You always look good whenever I see you… it’s as if it’s effortless for you.” Or my personal favorite in the middle of the crowded restaurant, “I want to cuddle you.” Men who are playing you don’t say that loud and proud in public and then follow up with wanting to be a part of your ten-year plan—they just don’t.

Shady made good on his cuddle-want back at his place while watching Mad Men on DVR. “Usually, I fast-forward through the commercials but I really want an excuse to make-out with you.” Then as things moved forward in the evening, he asked if I’d lean over and close the shades, only to PHYSICALLY start kissing my ass. After everything I’ve been through with meaningless dates and traumatic experiences and Mr. Dinges I was being my own worst enemy here. I was sabotaging the first chance I’ve had at a really good relationship. Body language to gestures to even giving me the low-down of his upcoming West Coast Trip, Shady was acting like things are moving forward.

My therapist hit the nail on the head, “You like to skip the beginning phases of things.” Funny thing about that is a house with no foundation eventually sinks into the dirt. I want my prospective relationship with Shady to be built on Limestone and since Rome wasn’t built in a day, each little headache does not mean the walls and framework come tumbling down. With all this worrying and over-analyzing I realized I am totally jipping myself of the “honeymoon phase” of this relationship—the part where you’re supposed to have fun and enjoy each other and be nauseatingly cute and rose-coloring each other silly.

Here it is guys, I’m taking a stand.  A stand against myself. Against getting in the way of my own happiness. I’m at the point where the options are extremely clear. Either test the water on your toe and go back to your lounge chair alone OR brave the chill and jump in with the hopes your body will adjust to the temperature change and enjoy the swim. Taking a step back and checking in with the “facts” aka the things that actually happened that I didn’t stumble upon and make assumptions about, point to him still playing the A-game and me playing the nut job.

Bottom Line: I’m still a fan of Shady if you guys are…

Next Up: Do you guys even want to hear about new dates 10 and 11? They were pretty heinous. For serious.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

I’m very sorry to all my readers that I stopped blogging for a while. Things got confusing. Basically, this post is to play “catch up.” Shady started out like my dream come true. We went on three more dates. We finally spanked the monkey. There was a lot of confusion in between all of those events. Irregular hangout and contact patterns. I found a makeup bag and additional pink tooth brush in his bathroom. I found evidence that the reason he was acting weird on my birthday at the end of the night was because he had to leave and meet his booty call. Then I said I was looking for a relationship and he agreed he wanted the same thing and we agreed to “take it slow” and “see where things go.” To put it simply, the name “Shady” now has new meaning.

The name started because of his reply to my howaboutwe.com date proposal. I proposed we eat at a gourmet meal truck and share our spoils at a shady park. His reply, “You had me at Shady Park.” I almost deleted the message because it was so friggen corny. Then my friend went through my responses as I was about to delete my account and now I had a date with Shady.

Out of the many dates I went on, this was the only one to not end at a first date. Unfortunately, it turned out that Shady’s M.O. was the same as all the “Ghosts of Boyfriends Past.” He’d shtoop me and ignore me. My worst fears and neuroses were actualized: he is just like every other guy.

No offense to ugly girls but I seriously envy you all. You don’t have these problems. No one wants to sleep with you just so they can brag about it to all their friends. Actually, most of the ugly girls I know have had more boyfriends and notches on the bedpost than me by ten-fold, at least. I can’t wrap my head around why but 90% of the guys I’ve been with have done this to me: ignore me after we’ve done the deed. I’ve gotten good reviews so I know its not a performance issue. They all just lie that they want the same thing as me and drop me after they get the goods.

I wanted to start this project to expand my horizons and how I met guys. Thinking it was the circle of guys I was surrounding myself with that led to these repeat conclusions. So far no dice… I have a few dates to write about also that I went on to “get my mind off of Shady” but every time I went out with someone else, I just wanted Shady all the more. He seemed so much more desirable by comparison. I really had my heart set on this one.

Then tonight, a half hour after we were supposed to touch base, I’m ready to leave and looking fab, I officially was bailed on by him via text, “splitting headache.” When I tried to call, he didn’t answer. To say the least, I’m devastated. I really liked him and wanted so badly to believe him and put my neurotic anxiety to rest that I can finally believe someone.

I’m sorry this isn’t that funny, guys. I promise my next two dates will be. This whole Shady thing really took the wind out of my blogging sails for a bit. I just take being lied to so personally. Especially when you’re given the “Get out of Jail free card” by me asking, “What are you looking for?” and you bullshit and say you want a relationship, too. 

Bottom Line:  Shady’s name was quite the foreshadowing. Getting hurt sucks monkey balls. Getting bailed on sucks even more. God, it’s good to be back.

Next Up: Dates with Tinker and SameName.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

As planned the dress said, “OMG, Look at me… because I’m fabulous.” It was a perfect cocktail dress creation that had a corset top, tutu bottom, champagne lace throughout with a black lack panel at the waist adorned with a perfect satin bow. It was loud and it was my perfect birthday dress.

Twenty five of my nearest and dearest friends, including Shady and his male friend, Party Bud, were in attendance at The Anchor in SoHo. Everyone then chipped in throughout the night for a bottle. Everyone, that is, except Shady and Party Bud. It might have been a misunderstanding because I was pretty toasted when he got there and neglected to tell him we were chipping in for it. Regardless, Shady offered to buy me a drink when he first arrived but my bottle had already been served.

Shady and Party Bud made small talk and won over two of my best friends, Haitian and H.S. Femme, giving Shady a plus two in the pro-column.  For most of the night, Shady was right by my side and undoubtedly my date. He complimented my dress, he danced when I wanted to dance, sat when I wanted to sit, graciously greeted every guest I introduced him to, and then came the end of the evening.

The posse had dwindled down to my sister, her BF, Shady, and me. I drunkenly suggested we go on to another place. My sister and her BF bowed out and Shady agreed to continue on with me. My feet hurt from the 5 inches of fabulous I was wearing on my feet so Shady carried me two blocks piggy-back to his car.  Before his car even turn the corner, Shady claimed he was tired and suggested I didn’t need any more to drink and should get in a cab. “After carrying me two blocks, you want me to get in a cab? No. You’re driving me to the ferry. I could have split a cab with my sister and her boyfriend but I wanted to spend more time with you.” Shady said he wanted to spend more time with me, too and drove me to the ferry.

I was already suspicious of Shady’s motives but this is really perplexing. He shmoozes friends like he’s running for office and then pulls a bait and switch at the end of the night…What gives? My trust issues with men lead me to believe Shady’s name is being given new meaning. Especially when I suggested on the way to the ferry we hang out on Monday and got a “We’ll see” as a response. For someone who initially wanted to have the first three dates in three days, this is quite a break from Shady’s usual M.O.

Bottom Line: I had friends calling, texting, and emailing the next day about how much fun they had at my party! Shady didn’t ruin things but he did confuse the hell out of me. My untrusting default instincts are telling me to use this as an excuse to drop him… but my mature adult logic is telling me all will be revealed in due time.

Next Up:  Date FOUR with Shady… and maybe another date thrown in there so I don’t get my hopes up or carried away.

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw

Reservations were for 9 pm. I was five minutes early and he was five minutes fashionably late. I was twittering about our date and jumped out of my skin when he snuck up behind me to say hello. Mostly out of terror that he might have caught a peak at what I wrote. Thank God, he didn’t. As per the rules, the Project is still a secret to Shady. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” I assured him that it was my fault for not being more attentive. I then proceeded to walk into two door frames on the way to our table. Grace was not exactly my middle name (especially when I’m nervous) but instead of pointing that out, he complimented my beautiful dress.

We sat in the garden at Dumont Restaurant. Something about the candle light, real foliage, open air, soft jazz, and heavenly food make it such a terrific place for a third date. Amidst talking about family, private vs. public school, work, and how Shady likes to share “loaded bites” when offering a taste of his dinner, we played his trademark footsie under the table. I’ve never liked someone this much before sleeping with them. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely want him but I also really enjoy getting to know him first.

After dessert, Shady paid and walked me to my car. I then drove him to his car a block away. The evening concluded with a long lusty good-bye in my car (yet another Shady trademark.) Things were getting hot and heavy while still staying in high-school speed territory. That is, until Shady invited me back to his place. I declined citing that I had to work extremely early the next day. He pointed out that he lives closer to the next day’s job site. “Shady, I’m not saying ‘not ever’ I am saying ‘not tonight.’” Things started to continue down Hot and Heavy Boulevard when he asked if we can park down another street. “Sorry, but I have to be up really early tomorrow.”

Finally taking my hint, Shady takes his cue to leave. As he reaches for the car door, I get a rush of confidence and invite him to my birthday party.  “I’m having a birthday party Friday and congratulations you get to meet all of my best friends!” Shady smiled and said that he’ll be there. “Big Step in the Forward Direction Award” goes to The Joneshaw Project. I’ve gone three dates without hopping into the sack with this guy and instead I’m incorporating him into my social circle (without a kicking and screaming Shady.)

As much as this night ended on a good note, my inner paranoia is still baffled by the situation and unsure of his intentions. Is he pulling out all the stops in hopes of starting a relationship or is he just a player with a more expendable budget? It’s so hard not to read into every last detail when you’re starting to like someone with your feelings before your fancy parts. This is a terrifying, vulnerable span of uncharted territory to map and navigate and unfortunately, Sacajawea was not available to guide this tour.  We’re at the point where only time will tell what the other coast looks like.

Bottom Line: Gave Shady a cold shower, metaphorically speaking, and decided to give him the best friend test-run. I’m scared of getting hurt again but braving forward regardless.

Next Up:  My Birthday Bash!!!

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw 

So my good friend, Sassy, recently moved into this GORGEOUS and FABULOUS pre-war apartment with cathedral ceilings and hard wood floors in Brooklyn. To celebrate this gem of a find we of course, had a rocking party. She had a calypso band, wine, booze, food, and her sexy Cuban and Chilean roommates up on the buffet.  If you ever wanted to know what Heidi Klum went through at parties pre-Seal, be a single lady at a party with these guys. These exotic studs made flirting rise to Olympic sport caliber.

Enjoying the company of good friends at a good party equals a fantastic oasis from a week full of stress. Bonus points for throwing in some positive male attention for good measure. Then somewhere after we all shook our bon-bon’s and the calypso band retired, first word got out… the super-hot Cuban, Eric Bana look-a-like smelled like he didn’t shower and was hitting on everyone. Next up, my little Chilean cutie grabbed my hand. Only for me to feel a wedding ring on his left hand! “Where’s your wife?” Like any philandering husband would say, “Don’t worry, very far away from here!”

Last time I checked if you’re married in Chile you’re still married when you’re getting your PhD in the United States. I was disgusted to say the least. It only got worse when the rest of the Latin Invasion started dropping like dominoes. THEY WERE ALL MARRIED. Especially with my recent unapologetic confession from Mr. Dinges, it really worries me to see so many men with so little reverence for monogamy. Are all men roving sluts? Is a serious, exclusive relationship still a realistic wish to have?

It’s bad enough that I always assume men’s default is sex with no strings attached but to see this very disgusting display of disregard for marriage vows is disheartening. I want to think that exclusivity is still possible and that vulnerability is something I can work to not fear forever. I have a third date with Shady coming up and once you get up to dates three and four, it’s usually when I start looking for RUN AWAY NOW flags.

 I truly want to go into this as open as possible and not create presuppositions from other men’s actions. So far, as much as I’m afraid to admit it, I do like him. Enough to want something more than a wham-bam-thank-you- ma’am, casual sex situation. There really is a fine line between looking for signs he wants a girlfriend and over-analyzing.

Bottom Line: Monogamy is important to me. Hopefully, a few good men—outside of the movie, my dad, and Santa Clause exist to make that happen for me, too.

Next Up: Date THREE with Shady!!! And my Birthday Party!!!!! :)

Your Undercover Lover,

Joneshaw